Dear Diary, Despair.

      I've never been so sad ever in my life. My friends are avoiding me.. Some of them. Since I told one of them, well most of them about my situation, gradually they are not chatting or PM me anymore. My boyfriend isn't here also, and he's not decided some of his decisions. I understand if he's not ready.

      Also I feel something is wrong.  I just feel I'm disconnected. I don't feel any belongingness. I don't want that they leave me behind. It would be the worst thing for me.. . I just wish I never exist .

Dear Diary, My Heirarchy of Needs are Gradually Broken

Well yes, lately I feel like still my loved ones treats me like a kid. Baby, that is. 
I'm already 20 years old. Becoming 21 next January 2012. 


In my physiological level - of course adequate food, water and shelter. I don't know about sex, excretion, homeostasis. No comment for that.


Next is safety. I don't have any problem with safety. It's just when I go outside and go to other places, I feel insecure because I don't have someone beside me that it makes me comfortable. It's not my parents nor friends. I just need a lover there beside me. 


Next is love/belonging. Lately, when my pregnancy starts- I feel that I'm not home. I don't feel that I belong to someone. It's like I'm lost. Since I was a kid, I always cry when my parents left me in a certain place, let's say school. I always remember that time I try not to cry, but I couldn't help it. My tears always fell and fell until my classmates and my teacher asked me why am I always crying. I just answered, "I'm not crying, there's just something on my eye" or, "I'm just yawning." So, I already know why am I feel insecure when I'm in a strange place, because of anxieties.  
In friendship, yes I'm very friendly. Too friendly that is. But most people are just taking me for granted and they just use me and my skills. I gained trust- but I don't easily trust people anymore even though it's a friend because it's already in my mind that he/she would betray me. 


Next is Self-Esteem. I don't know what self-esteem anymore. It's like what I said lately.
I remember the time when my aunt was mad at me because I didn't get lolo to the hospital immediately, and after they went, she told me that I did a good a job and I was self-organized, but really I didn't do anything good. I was thinking, I'm not a kid anymore to play with my emotions, my self-esteem. They keep on doing that I dont' know what self-esteem anymore. Isn't that hurtful that they treat you like a kid even though you're already at young adulthood? And they get mad at you because of doing what was wrong, but they don't want you to do things which it can be an experience, and they will get mad at you because you didn't do anything.. DUH! -- -  I don't have self-esteem anymore. If I do anything right, I don't need any reward or a kiss or money or a clap. If I draw anything amazing, and someone praises me- I don't feel any self-esteem.. 
Let's talk about self-decision making. All of it can be wrong. It's like, all of my decisions are wrong. My aunt just made decisions for me, yet she is telling me that I have to make my own decision,- (FUCK my world.)


Let's talk about RESPECT. Oh yeah, respect. I also don't know what's respect. Most people do not respect me even my dad. He reads my cellphone messages and also whenever I write something in my blog and in facebook messages, and in my YM. Then he starts to talk about this and that which he doesn't even know what's the story behind. 
I remember that I post something in TNK page about Rikimaru, a character from dota, . He said, "who is that? you know that - bla bla bla bla".. I told him the truth that it was just a qoute, yet he doesn't believe. I cried until my brain bursted into depression. I didn't have any privacy for my emotions because he doesn't want me to have my own space. I know that because he wanted to break the door when my mom was having a bad mood from him and she locked the door.
 He doesn't understand,- until my feelings went broken. 
And I don't use my cellphone anymore because someone in this family keeps reading my messages, so, what's the point using my cellphone anymore when someone is peeking and reading my messages. 




Next is Self-Actualization. I have no problem with that. I believe in myself that I can do anything which I just like.  Not the things they forced me to do, like DANCING. Because I don't know how to dance and I hate dancing.