I Don't Understand Anymore

          It seems that I don't get what I need emotionally. Doesn't it matter? I was thinking few weeks ago that I don't care about what I feel anymore, but it seems that I need someone beside me, someone to care for and ask me HOW ARE YOU FEELING?. Not just HOW ARE YOU? It's a big difference. It made me think that I wish my hamsters could talk because I love them very much.
        It's just my BF has changed a bit. He promised that he would send PM right until he's going to Japan, but I noticed he doesn't anymore even just a Good Morning. I always write him Good mornings then he would reply. .When I don't, he doesn't also. He didn't even greet me Happy New Year and I love you in my own wall.. ='( . It's a small thing but I need it because it would brighten up my day. Back then he was very sweet to me, but now just seldom. We just talk normal chats and other topics.. I know he's a quiet type, but I need some emotional comforts such as: replying to my PMs, asking how's my baby doing?, asking if I'm still crying?.
        I mean look at my wall for pete's sake! It's all ME ME ME writing and commenting ( I even comment to my own post), and some girl and a guy saying happy new year *just the two of them*. >_<! and I can't believe he doesn't noticed my post that I am being emotional.
        I just always make him attentions even though he just ignored it- or somewhat, I don't know.
        I did my part of researching what to guys need from a girl..
So that I can make him feel he's belong with me, or he's mine, in short.
        I really don't want to wait for him to say "ANU B GUSTO MO?", >_<! What do you think I need??
 
        I just don't understand what's going on into our relationship. I can't tell him to do this and do that because I just want to be loved by him the way he is, not the way I wanted him to be. It's not all the time that I ask his attention, I even don''t ask for it more because, that's just what I said, I just wait for him that he would notice that I need something from him that he would finally say SOMETHING emotional and more specific. But I can't just ask it, because when he knows it, that's the time when he's being sweet, talking loveable stuffs so on and so forth. I JUST WANT HIM TO BE "THAT" (gives me attention like those days we met) PASSIVELY WITHOUT ME ASKING FOR IT. ='(  I want to hear some words from him that I didn't asked for.
I was thinking that, when will he do that to me AGAIN? I just keep waiting and waiting.
        I know he's kinda busy or whatever- I just can't see what he is doing right now. >_<!! He's just too quiet and I do everything to make him feel that I'm still there with him. On the other hand, I can't feel that he's with me. He always sleeps whenever I go online or either he went some places whenever I'm in a bad mood- but I don't blame him for that. It's just a coincidence that happened. And he's online whenever I'm in a good mood state.
        When Romen and I talked about his problem, it seems that I understand the girl's part- I don't know maybe she has the same some feelings about me. (no offense Rom). But it's just an opinion, I didn't talk the girl's side yet. So, I don't judge in a sudden.
       I'm sorry to say this, but this is not cheating: I just chat to some other people just to make myself at ease but not in a sense that I need their hugs and sweet talks (which I really wanted to, but I always think it's Daichi's room for it). He always makes me cry but he doesn't know it because I don't want him to think that he's not there for me, because I love him so much. I love him just the way he is even if it hurts me, I don't care.
       I always say to myself, "wrong timing naman, wala cya kapag kailangan mo cya".
     I think this would be my first - one of my saddest new year, in the 2nd day. I don't ask very much, but maybe this is just a wrong timing. Maybe I'm being TOO SELFLESS!
      If my past would repeat, I will be the most unfortunate girl alive. And if another person will catch me, the door is already close.. .